There comes a point where you've done all that you can do. At that point, you can't do anymore because it's not up to you. You've prepared everything you can, you have all your ducks in a row personally, but you are waiting for something else to happen. As of now, I am at this point. I have everything I specifically need to move on to the next thing I want to do. Such as a finished screenplay, a few finished manuscripts, an abundant portfolio of written materials and research to market myself. Except, I have hit a brick wall. A dead end of sorts. What does this mean?
Well let's take a look at it like this:
As I said I have a portfolio of completed marketable work which is basically the most important thing to have before you market yourself as a writer.
I have an extroverted personality and can be charismatic and incredibly charming when I need to be. I can start a conversation with anyone and can talk my way into anything. If I really want something, truly want it, I can find a way to get it. At least, I have been able to do that in the past.
These are all really good things to have if you want to be a professional writer and also be able to make it in the business. Well, this, thick skin, and intelligence. Let me tell you, you don't spend 5 or so years opening yourself up as an anti-feminist across social media and YouTube and not thicken your skin. Am I perfect? Of course not, but I'd learned a lot along the way and if I wasn't thick skinned I couldn't have lasted as long as I have because at some point I just decided to stop caring what people thought of me.
The main issues I face right now are as follows (at least when it comes to actually pursuing my dream of being a professional writer)
I live in the wrong city. I need to live in a place like Los Angeles or New York City (L.A Would be far more preferable)
That's about. Really, you say, that can't be it! Well, I'm not saying I'd instantly become famous if I moved to either of those places. That's stupid. What I'm saying is that I have 0% chance here as opposed to like a 4% chance in L.A. The only reason I'm saying L.A specifically is I have a few contacts out there who may (or may not) give me a chance to network. As in, I wouldn't be going out there blind, I kind of know some people who are sort of famous. All about getting your foot in the door. However, you cannot get your foot in the door if that door is 5 thousand miles away and you actually need to be there to jam it right in.
Then we come to the people who say "Hurr durr why don't you just pack up and leave?"
As much as I don't have many personal ties here, as in, family that I really give a shit about or friends that I would be too "lost" without to leave, I do have other responsibilities I can't just abandon. Like a dog and two cats which would no longer have a home if I just left because they would be gotten rid of. Yeah, sounds harsh, but they are my pets I own them, I am responsible for them. I'm also not such a cold-hearted bitch that I'm going to leave my pets behind. Literally, some asshole suggested to me that I was selfish FOR staying with them. Seriously, this happened, and I cannot comprehend the level of asshole who would abandon pets they've had for years to move to another city. That seems retarded and utterly heartless to me, but maybe I'm stupid.
Even if that weren't the case, well I don't have the money. Which I'm not magically expecting to fall in my lap, trust me, this is why I've been working two jobs. The problem with this is that I have a back injury like a chronic one at this point. It's not going the fuck away, like ever, as of now and I know this. This makes the basic jobs I can get and hold onto, nearly impossible for me to do. Though my jobs out of high school (and right out of college) were great office jobs that paid really well, those companies don't exist anymore. I have a great resume for an administrative assistant and/or personal assistant job and I can't get one here. Guess where I could get one? L.A because those people need PAs like they are some precious commodity that doesn't exist. I also know this because I was nearly hired for a few PA jobs in LA with my resume but because I wasn't close enough to come in for an interview, I was passed over.
The jobs that I can work here are labor intensive blue collar jobs that have become impossible for me to work because of my back. I can work a few things here and there but otherwise, I'm shit out of luck. I'm not an artist so selling crap full-time on Etsy or whatever isn't going to be a thing I can do. Same with eBay because I don't have enough money to invest in things to hopefully sell for a higher price on a site like eBay. I'm pretty much dead in the water at this point because the only real skill I have is writing and no one fucking needs that. Don't suggest freelance writing jobs either, those are hard as shit to get and pay crap unless you've already been doing it 20 years. I've tried it. Long story short, there are already 8000 people out there with a better track record than me and to get up to their level with this I'd have to devote 5-10 years of full-time work trying to beat out the competition just to get anywhere with that and I really don't have the time.
With the menial jobs I can manage to keep, I have no ability to save. Every month my basic billing system (from day one looks like this):
Rent: $450 (and I'm lucky that it's this cheap and it's only cause I have roommates)
Medical Bills: $400 (this a necessity I have to pay it no wiggle room)
So first of the month, every month, I'm already out $850 dollars. After that, for the rest of the month, I'm talking about gas, car insurance, cellphone payments, food, pet food, pet emergencies (seriously had two this month when both cats got sick and I can tell you it's super weird having a cat who has a fever cause I've never even seen that) and anything else basic like cigarettes. No, I'm not quitting because if I stop smoking now I'll straight up murder a person. I need my nicotine.
When all is said and done, what I'm looking at a month, just to basically survive and not really have any fun is around $2500 dollars and I usually don't even make that much in a month so the idea of "saving" anything to move is just a notion that doesn't exist for me and something I'll pretty much never be able to do. By my own calculations and how much I know I'm in debt with this medical bill it will take me 3-4 years to get out of that debt. That's not even the only debt I have but that's the biggest one as of now. At that point I'll be lucky if I can clear up my credit without having to declare bankruptcy which, by the way it costs like $1000 to file for bankruptcy, an amount I can't even save to get to, which also seems fucking stupid.
Right now, what do I do? Well, survive, I guess. I'm finding it harder to really give a shit about my website or trying to do anything. It's abundantly clear that I was on the upward path to mean something on YouTube until the Alt-Left Google Nazis came goosestepping in and made sure to erase me from there. Without that platform, I have no ability to direct anyone to my website or anything like that. My facebook traffic is declining as well, and since the Hannibal fandom is hellbent on crushing my twitter account any time I make one, I have no ability to widely promote myself there. I also don't want to be "famous" for doing any of this because it's not what I want to be known for.
As much as I say a lot that I am "giving up" or going on break, I think this really might be the final straw. Honestly. I intend to keep this domain name but maybe use it for something else. Maybe use it to showcase my original writing or something which can direct people to it as some sort of online portfolio. If I always have my work online it doesn't matter where I go or who I meet because they can always just go to my website. Is this really what I want to showcase to people though? Not really, because as I said, I am not interested in becoming famous for this reason. Though I do genuinely appreciate the support I've gotten over the years, I also need to start to think of how to market myself in a different way to achieve what I want to achieve and this, what I'm doing as of now, is doing nothing for me and there's no future in it thanks to the political left assholes who won't allow me to have a future in it. It's time to shut down, reboot, and try something entirely different. That's the only option I have.
Though I will miss all the political discourse and arguing, part of me thinks it was adding in far too much stress anyway and I'll be better off just worrying about my own crap and the career I want than adding in a bunch of politics, feminist crap, and social justice nonsense. If you want to contact me or whatever feel free but just understand this website is about to undergo a massive change and won't nearly be what it was once before. Thank you for your support but I have to move on.