There's this post that floats around tumblr from time to time of alleged true stories and 'experts' commenting on BDSM. What is and what isn't kink shaming, things like that. At first the post seems relatively harmless. Then you read the 'alleged true stories' and see that these people are just imposing their beliefs and opinions on others and have no possible way of knowing about the situations they are speaking of. They just assume something is some way so they have to make it their business and get preachy. Yeah, I'm not surprised either because it's tumblr. Anyway, ignoring most of what is in this thread as most of it is tame (just annoying) I wanted to direct everyone to a particular woman and her three stories. This is a real post. Honest to god, and it basically turns the most non-rape situations into the biggest rape situations because...the girl felt uncomfortable or something? Anyway, here goes.
I had to have this conversation with a BDSM couple who came into my coffee shop once, her on a leash at two o’clock in the afternoon in pretty skimpy, fetish-y clothing. Basically, what I said was, “I am a huge part of your scene right now. The look on my face, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, they’re what’s fueling the very scene you’re playing out, so how are you going to tell me that everyone involved is consenting? You didn’t ask for my consent. I didn’t fill out a negotiation form. You don’t know my background, my history, my kinks, or my safeword, but you come into my place of work and expect to play out a scene with me without even asking?”
Okay lets pretend this is true which I dunno, debatable. However she seems like a feminist type right off the bat and we all know how much they love to shove their face in shit and make it all about them. Which is exactly what she did. First off she says MY coffee shop. Does she own it? Or does she just work there? I dunno how someone who has spent 6 years constantly blogging on tumblr (that's how far her archive goes back I checked) has time to own a coffee shop so I am guessing she just means she works there. Probably a barista. Like seriously this is her "about me" on her blog:
Getting back to everything wrong with the first paragraph, okay so then she says she walks over to them and loudly yells about how SHE didn't CONSENT to be part of their BDSM scene. Which...I dunno if it even was that. Maybe it was just an asshole guy with his edgelord girlfriend looking to shock people. Or maybe they really were doing BDSM stuff. The point is she just assumed that's what it was and instantly made it seem like she was being raped by people acting in poor taste. I agree there is a time and place for everything but... what? Also, why do this? At all? Other than to draw attention to yourself, humiliate others, and make it out like you are the queen of BDSM and they are complete shit heads? What good does this do? If they are violating the dress code, or code of conduct why not say that? Why drone on and on about how you have now been sexually violated by these idiots? And I do mean DRONE ON AND ON cause this story continues.
She was mortified. He tried to argue with me, but couldn’t continue once I said, “I do not consent to being part of your scene,” without exposing himself for the creepy “faux-BDSM covering for his abusive personality” loser that he was. And he was. I hate to be stereotypical, here, but he was wearing a trilby and a trench coat. In Arizona. In the summer.
Okay well you know honestly if someone said this to me, as if I was raping them by doing something that had nothing to do with them I'd probably be speechless too, or tell her to shut the fuck up. However, she jumps right to "he must be abusive and pretending that BDSM isn't his abuse" bullshit. Of course she brings up his hat and coat and this is obviously the uniform for an abusive boyfriend right? None of this could any way have been consented on before, right? I mean maybe this girl was mortified because some annoying ass barista came over and yelled at them loudly for "not consenting to being in the BDSM scene they were so clearly FORCING UPON HER AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE". She doesn't 'hate to be that stereotypical' she is openly trying to draw attention to herself, if this even happened that is because the only thing that is missing is "then everyone stood up in the coffee shop and clapped". Oh...but see there's more than this.
A couple years later, I was at a fetish ball, outside smoking back when I used to smoke cigarettes. And while it’s not a crucial element to the story, I’m just going to say that the girl I was seeing at the time and I looked fucking awesome in our coordinated rockabilly dominatrix outfits. Anyway, I was a little drunk and smoking and here comes the exact same loser with a different young girl following half a step behind him and I maybe hollered a little too loudly, “Hey, sweetheart, you played out any scenes with non-consenting women in coffee shops lately, or did I just get lucky that time?” Because I’m an asshole who can’t keep her mouth shut.
Now she's allegedly at a fetish ball where she sees this same guy and of course she looked "fucking awesome" and is with her girlfriend so feminist type AND has a girlfriend at a fetish ball. Then she sees the guy she just assumed was a loser and abusive from the coffee shop and chooses then to yell at him and out him as a rapist or something because right then and there she implies to the girl he's with that he does non-consensual shit with other girls. How does she know that? At all? Because it seems her entire basis for the first act being non consensual was that he wore a tribly. Not that she really talked to them or let them get a word in edgewise. No. Because she just decided it was non-consensual. That's it. Later, she sees the guy again, really has no clue what the first thing was about and brands him a rapist instead of, I don't know, ignoring it? Not to mention THIS TIME SHE WAS AT A FETISH BALL where the guy was acting completely appropriately. This is when she chooses to do that? At least she admits she's an asshole but GOD DAMN. Now if you think I'm just assuming things...like that she literally thinks this stuff is rape...she doesn't shut up there. Oh no it gets WAY less believable and WAY MORE about herself.
I also once turned an aisle in the grocery store late one night to find a girl blowing her boyfriend next to the canned vegetables and I just said, “No. Nope. No. Put it away. No!” They both seemed mortified that time, at least.
But seriously, though, don’t do this shit. It’s rapey and gross. Not towards her, she might be into it, but towards me. Don’t do this shit because it’s rapey towards everyone else you’re making into unwilling participants in your sex games.
Here we can see that she allegedly at some point was in a store and saw a girl consensually blowing her boyfriend in the canned vegetable isle. As much as I agree people should not be doing that in public (one cause it's stupid you'll probably get arrested and two seriously? does anyone really WANT to see that?) well she also says girlfriend and boyfriend. Hence, she was obviously doing it on purpose not because she was forced. Yet she adds in the word rapey. Okay so a consensual act (albeit in a very badly timed location) is rape? Why? How? Maybe I can agree to it being 'gross' cause they are doing it in a store that sells food but...rape? How?
Then, she even says "she might be into it but it's rape towards me". This is what she thinks. Because she saw two exhibitionists somewhere at random, and didn't consent to seeing it, she was now some how sexually violated in someway. Yet, she's also someone who allegedly attends fetish balls with her dominatrix girlfriend and looks awesome in her dominatrix outfit as well? What? How the fuck did she show up at ANY fetish ball for ANYTHING and not get triggered to holy hell and back? I mean imagine all the men in triblies and whatever. All the people not doing things the way SHE "consented to" and having to INFORM them that she was NOW A PART OF THEIR SCENE AND BEING RAPED. I've been to fetish balls, do you know how much weird shit goes on there? How much fetish shit that isn't exactly my thing but I don't really care because whatever? It's a fetish ball?
Is this girl (and I do mean GIRL cause she's certainly not behaving like an adult) even into BDSM? Because it seems like there's no way she could even get through a scene without micromanaging every last second of it. On top of which, both her and her girlfriend seem to be dominants so...how is that relationship working? I mean I suppose it's possible but...who's the sub? Or are they both switches? Or is she a switch? To be honest I think a ton of this is made up. I think the stuff she claims she said, really only happened in her head then she ran to tumblr to crow about how awesome she was for claiming everything is rape and men who don't do shit her way are clearly just abusing women and claiming it as BDSM so they can get away with it. She doesn't know jack shit of what was really going on in the first scenario as inappropriate as it MAY have been (if it even happened). She uses this lack of knowledge to brand a guy a rapist later when she sees him with another girl and then after walking up on someone blowing a guy she acts like SHE was totally raped while admitting maybe the girl was into it.
Honestly, shit like this hurts my brain, but in that thread (and you can read the entire thing yourself) there is no lack of stories like this. They all seem to be stories of people who ASSUME a situation is one way, don't get all of the information, brand people abusive or stupid or "not safe and consensual" then INSIST THAT EVERYONE MUST HIDE THEIR BDSM NATURE FROM EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE OMG NOT COOL. If there was such a thing as internalized kink shaming it would be the entirety of this post. It seems to be a crap ton of people claiming they are into BDSM but wanting to hide it from literally everyone. Not only that, but they seem to want OTHER people to hide it. Even down to the most miniscule and benign things like wearing collars.
The BDSM "community" on that site is mostly made up of people like her, or wannabes, or little girls who think that fan fiction is how-to manuals on BDSM. Not to mention the feminists and their whole "SEX POSITIVITY IS GREAT UNTIL YOU DO SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE" bullshit. As someone who has been in BDSM for a long time, probably longer than the vast majority of people making up stories on that post...for the love of God SHUT UP TUMBLR you aren't doing goddamn anyone who is actually practicing BDSM any favors by acting this high and mighty. Ever. You're the worst thing to happen to BDSM since 50 Shades Of Grey. Stop it. Just stop.