As much as it sounds like, this isn't really a plea for attention. I'm already well aware people are going to tell me to stay and not to give up. I know that. Yet, people need to understand a lot of things and what's going on with me right now.
I get benefits from the government right now. However they have me under investigation and have since January even though I can more than prove I qualify for the benefits. Still, the doctors notes and everything isn't enough for them. I'm pretty much facing down this notion that very soon those are going to be gone. A month or two more at best and they are going to drop me. It's literally down to the wire now where they are sending me to their doctors to be checked out. That's the level they don't believe me, even though I have a history of this and my doctors are backing me up.
Already, what I get a month isn't enough. In fact if I showed you my whole monthly budget that I keep, you'd see that at the end of every month I don't have money. This is honestly a situation of the first of every month after I pay bills, I am in the red. I'm usually borrowing money. The very rare occasions I manage to save up something to do something fun are, well rare, and usually only because I called in favors from people who can help me, not because I actually have the money. The thing is, friends only help you for so long but then there comes a point where they get fed up with you. It's getting to that point.
As of now my benefits pay my rent entirely, and my phone, as well as my upkeep on this site. Not to mention the outstanding medical bill I have which is still close to 3000 dollars. Thanks to donations here I've gotten it down from the 6000 it once was but not enough donations come in. Not blaming anyone it's just the reality of the situation. Whatever, it is what it is. At very least I can say thanks to help from my subscribers I've cut that debt in half. However, just recently I was a day late on that bill and they charged me a late fee of nearly 100 dollars. I'm already in debt with these people, they are aware I don't have the money, and they added more money to the debt. Which completely makes sense. Not to mention I'm getting phone calls from them nearly every day.
So, why not just ignore them? Well on this particular bill there is a cosigner. If I ignore them they go after him. He doesn't deserve to pay my debt. I'm not that shitty person who would allow it. Plus, anything he ever cosigned on before I have been able to 100% cover myself. He's never paid a penny for me because I'm responsible. Or I thought I was. Maybe I'm not. Maybe this is too high of a debt for me to cover on my own. The problem is the government absolutely will not cover anything going on with my mouth. They see these procedures as cosmetic. Yeah, apparently needing teeth to eat is COSMETIC now. They'll pay for all my teeth to be pulled but, I shit you not, the insurance company literally wrote me a letter explaining they didn't see why they even had to cover dentures. I really wish I was making this up but I'm not. This leaves me in a huge bind because these procedures out of pocket are thousands of dollars. In the long run it'll be 20 grand total.
Why not get a job? Well I'm trying to do that too. Then I had one. Immediately after that, a literal day after that, I was slammed down with pain for a week. Two trips to the ER to find out I have endometriosis. AWESOME right? Now, my doctor wants me to try 800 different medications with various side effects that may or may not work. This means that this job I got I can't take until I find a medication that actually helps me. The thing is, with my history of medications "Totally working" I have no faith in this. In the past year I've been on 6 different medications to try to help me, which only made me 100% worse. Yet, I'm not a candidate for surgery (which I also don't want) if I don't go through this dog and pony show of trying all these medications. Which, by the way, is going to take months. These medications aren't any different from what I was trying before. Like at all. They are just "smaller doses" of what I was on before. So I'm looking at a situation of "Oh well I'll just feel LESS sick all the time" not that any of them will really really work. But I need to redirect you back to the fact that they are trying to cancel my benefits which means that if those go, so do the medications because I won't be able to cover them out of pocket. Also, if I ever do need surgery in the future, God forbid (and it'll probably happen because that's how my life works) then I won't be able to cover it.
My YouTube channel is going nowhere. Which I'm not sure how happy or upset I am about that. To be honest I don't know if I even want to be YouTube famous. At least not for what I do currently. Still, people who do this type of thing on youtube have a shelf life. It's abundantly clear I am not going to get a ton of subscribers. I am not going to get a bunch of views. I know this. End of story. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a shit camera and a computer from 2006. Even though I have the technical knowledge to make amazing videos (I am fluent in Final Cut Pro 7 and can do amazing things with it) guess what? I don't have the money to purchase a computer or camera where I could ever make those videos. If you haven't noticed (but a lot of people have) my video quality has dropped because the computer I DID Have crashed and burned and now I have a hand me down laptop from 2006. I mean it's functional so I can't complain TOO hard but I'm never going to make better quality videos. To increase my video quality I'd need an HD camera which is a couple thousand and I'd need a new computer to be able to run and process Final Cut Pro. Which means getting a Mac (Seriously shut up PC people I like Final Cut Pro deal with it) and that means a couple thousand dollars there. Seeing as how I'm already in debt thousands of dollars, barely make any money a month even on benefits, and am about to lose them well this isn't going to be possible ever either. So there's no point in continuing with the YouTube stuff. Sorry there just isn't.
Right now I am at a point where I am like, what do I do to make money? And people offer suggestions all the time. Oh and I've TRIED. This isn't even me being stubborn. Here are suggestions I constantly get but I absolutely cannot do and I know this because I've attempted them not because I'm "So negative I just don't believe they will work"
Selling Plasma: Because of health issues I'm too skinny they won't legally allow me to do this
Selling Eggs: Too old even when I wasn't too old well I was too skinny. My BMI wasn't high enough. That was never an option
YouTube: Though it offers some money it's not nearly enough to actually help me do anything
Run a website with Ads: Same deal as Youtube
Freelance Writing: Yeah that's making even less than YouTube if you can even get find a job doing that and I won't sell out and write feminist bullshit (even if it would be incredibly easy) also 5 cents a word isn't a ton of money to begin with.
Twitch Account: This was suggested to me and isn't a bad idea but my internet connection is SO shitty that there's no way for me to stream at a great quality that I'd get enough followers to get sponsorship so that's out
Redtube/Porn: For one the rules for that bullshit are pretty high, also a lot of paperwork, also I couldn't show my face which would automatically get me less hits/money. Yeah I read about that stuff too. In the event I actually get a legit job as a writer I wouldn't want that discovered, not to mention I don't need people discovering any of that shit as of now because fuck that. Things are bad enough. Not to mention the fact that I am really super ugly so yeah. People would probably pay me NOT to do porn.
Epublishing: I have two Ebooks published, working on a third, though they make some money they aren't bringing in enough and I don't have money to shell out to pay people to promote me.
Selling shit on Ebay: I don't really have shit to sell on Ebay to be honest, not anything anyone would buy apparently even if I list it at 99 cents and what kind of profit is that making me? None?
Etsy: I don't have the talent to make any shit that could go on Etsy and if I did well I don't have the money to buy materials for that AND you have to pay to list your stuff on Etsy and I seriously don't even have the pennies a month to do that. Trust me I've attempted it.
Redbubble: Even when people do buy stuff from my redbubble randomly I make like 30 cents from a sale. That's not going to go anywhere.
Custom Writing: I have ads up to custom write things for people. Not getting offers there either. Mostly because the thing I'm best at writing is erotica and that's not the easiest sale in the world.
Legitimate Published Writing: AHHAHAHHA Get real find me an agent first and we'll talk.
Audio Transcription: Even if I had a computer good enough to do that, the tests you have to pass to get a job doing that are fucking strict as fuck.
Mechanical Turk: I already do that but you get paid like 5 cents at most for a job that takes you a half hour to do each time. Really? So yes I already do this but God does it NOT make you money.
As you can see there isn't much I haven't tried or thought of to make money (in lieu of being able to get/hold an actual job). It's not like I'm sitting here just wishing money would fall in my lap. Okay I AM doing that but since I know that's unrealistic that's not the only thing that I'm doing. I'm trying other things and I am failing at them. I'm scrambling to make ends meat but at the end of the day I am always, ALWAYS in the red. As of now holding a job is a pipe dream until I get my health back under control. Which could happen in a week or it could happen in 6 months. I still have to get a shit ton of dental work done. Dental work I'm going to have to pay for out of pocket that no one is going to help me with. I could keep going with youtube but at best I have maybe 1000 active people watching. Yes I know it say 7K Subscribers but 7K people are not watching. Which nets me about 100 bucks a month, maybe a little over. Still that all goes to bills and that's still not a massive help.
I don't know what to do at this point. People don't seem to understand the crippling position I'm in. It's really really bitchy to say this but as much as I appreciate emotional support and empathy it's not money. The simple solution to 95% of my problems is money. Some form of income. Something. I mean steady income. Right now these benefits are the only thing saving my ass and keeping me in a room every month. If those go, so does this room, my insurance, and everything else I own. Since what I'm doing isn't working and obviously is not going to work WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and at this point, if we go by that old saying, I'm pretty much completely insane. So...what do I do next?