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Miss Misanthropist

Writing With Myself

Life, The Universe, and CRUSHING Unfairness

Opinions/Advice, WritingMonica Edwards1 Comment

Over the past month or so, maybe a bit longer a bunch of shit has been happening. First and foremost I was offered an amazing opportunity to write a screenplay that might actually get made or have a chance of being made because of a minor social connection I have with someone who is semi-famous. You'd think that'd be good news right? Which it totally is because this could be great for me. What's the problem? Well the same night I'm told that could potentially happen David Bowie dies. Other than me being a huge fan of his for years now, well this caused writers block. My brain completely froze up, mostly because the screenplay I was intending to write one of the three main characters is heavily inspired by Bowie. So my brain was like "ha ha you silly bitch you can't write that now" and here I am, haven't written one word, even though I have someone who is a screenwriter and can translate it into a screenplay for me I got nothing. 

One of my dental implants failed but that was in December so I have to go get it put back in. The dentist is probably going to charge me for sedation so that's 375 dollars I can't afford right now so more debt. Awesome. It also is a huge set back on my physical progress. Everything with my jaw was supposed to be fixed this summer. Now it looks like fall/early winter. I then have to repeat the process with my top teeth and I'm terrified of doing that, therapy doesn't seem to be helping me much to overcome this fear. Awesome. 

I'm over 5 grand in debt at this point and what do you know, I hit over 6K subscribers on youtube but then what happens? My computer fucking crashes to shit because of the new Mac update and I have to revert back to really poor video quality because there is no way in holy hell I can afford to buy a new computer. The hand-me-down laptop I got is starting to fail as well. So I get to a point where I have a ton of subscribers but have to go back to shit quality videos because nothing on my mac even wants to work right any more other than playing videos/music or updating my phone. 

Speaking of phones, I got a new one because my plan allowed me to upgrade. In the first three weeks of having it, it broke. Don't worry I got it replaced thankfully cause of the warranty but I'm just trying to show people the kind of luck I have. The woman who paid for my dog attacking that other dog wants her money back right when I am in so much debt it makes me laugh to consider giving her anything. She waited like 4 months to even ask about payment and she seems to want it all at once. No, fuck you. Why did you not ask right after it happened? Why didn't you return my emails right away? Fuck you. 

My dog still has heartworms so we are doing an we are doing a new treatment for that. The antibiotics for it cost 250 dollars and he has to do this three more times this year and it still may not kill the heartworm. Awesome. Then we have the fact that I was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder which makes a lot of sense now as to why I feel so tired during the day. Not to mention a severe vitamin D deficiency which the doctors don't know what's causing that just that it's happening so I'm on high dose vitamin D which makes me sick when I take it for a few days but at least I won't get some sort of weird brittle bone syndrome where my bones will be like glass. 

Despite going back, fixing my resume, padding it a bit, having a seasonal job at GameStop, and filling out 800 applications for new jobs. Nothing's happening. Not that I could really work anyway because this sleep disorder keeps knocking me on my ass. Yes there is treatment for it but not much hope for a cure. That and I won't see my sleep specialist for probably another month to even start treatment because healthcare in the US is amazing like that. My roommate seems to not understand the phrase "sleep disorder" and translates it in his brain as me just being lazy I guess? I don't know. I guarantee you and anyone else who is reading if it were up to me I'd have a damn job because I don't want to live in this house any more or this state and I would prefer to have a career like a responsible adult instead of begging for handouts or busting my ass trying to make every penny I have. 

Every month I instantly go into debt paying bills on the first. Because of the bills I have now with the dental surgery I had (which honestly caused more problems than solutions at this point) I am in the red after paying bills meaning I can't even cover my bills not technically. I can't declare bankruptcy because someone is a cosigner on the loan I got for my surgery and due to this if I declare bankruptcy well he'll be responsible for the payment. Not to mention that I may not actually be enough in debt to declare it. So it's come to a point where I probably have to get super fucking in debt. That and if you want to declare it and make sure it goes through a lawyer to help you file for it costs 900 dollars. Also something I don't have. Fucking ridiculous that you need nearly a thousand dollars just to tell people you have no money and for it to be legal. 

As I write this I have bronchitis, I've gotten very little sleep the past few days, my boyfriend is being a total asshole over some lame fight we just had. I have no money, no prospects, no assets, no job opportunities, my computer is trash this laptop is about to be trash as well. I am worn down and worn out and can't even sleep cause this damn cough wakes me up every 2 hours to remind me of how sick I am. I wish I could catch a break but it's just not going to happen. I've learned in my life that when a door opens another one slams shut. Or three or four of them do. There is no hope for success for me. Some cosmic force just really REALLY wants me to fail. I know I'm going to fail, which honestly begs the question of why do I continue to do what I do and why does anyone have faith in me when I've lost all faith in myself a long ass time ago.