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Miss Misanthropist

Writing With Myself

The Current State Of Affairs

URGENT NEWSMonica EdwardsComment

As many of you know I've got a lot of health problems. At this point about 99% of them have to do with my mouth/teeth. Many of you know that as well because of the GoFundMe campaign I have running. Which I am very appreciative of, all of your donations have helped me to be able to afford where I am now and that's something I had no hope for prior to the campaign. The next step in this entire process is getting the actual implants. The thing that no one really tells you about that part is that after the extractions you have to wait, wait a very long time, until that can actually be done. Which is understandable and I believed I could do it, that I would be fine. A walk in the park. This was and is not the case. 

My bottom teeth were extracted and my jaw was worked on August 11th. Considering it's only been about a month and a half my heeling progress is actually pretty astounding. Even the dentist is amazed about how quickly it's going. Still not healed enough to start implants though. This even amazes me because of how much work I had done on my bottom jaw and what the issues were. Yet I'm also surprised that I am some how not healed enough? As in, when I look at my mouth it looks completely fine. Obviously I'm not a dentist so I have to trust their opinions this, which I do but I completely hate.  

I have mentioned publicly, and a few times, that I have generalized anxiety disorder coupled with OCD. It's not fun. For years I've been dealing with this, the diagnosis came when I was 18. I was on medications a bit to help then I went off of them because my doctors said I was ready. For 6 years I was fine. Nearly no anxiety nor did the OCD come back. Earlier this year due to personal issues I suffered a bunch of stress. Mostly because (and I fully admit this is really my own damn fault) I put my trust in the wrong people. They end up screwing me over, I handle it badly, and the problems get worse so it's really about 50/50 on who's to blame (them or me) but they'll say it's all on me as if they weren't ever actively a part of the problem. I was pretty fucked up after that took a long break. Took a few months but I was feeling better. Anxiety was way better, mood, my OCD wasn't an issue. Then I had to get this oral surgery. Had to as in it was a severe health risk to NOT do it (put it off as long as I could).  

At first I was fine, it actually was less painful and horrible than I had anticipated. Then all the physical reprecussions of such a thing started to happen. Let me explain a bit of what I'm going through as of now because of this stupid oral surgery: 

  • Sleep Deprivation
  • Tension headaches  
  • Neck/Jaw pain (pinched nerves) 
  • Nightmares
  • Stomach issues (not being able to eat properly)  
  • Short attention span
  • Mood swings
  • Irritation  
  • Apathy

My OCD issues stem from not being in control and sleep deprivation (which is my biggest problem as of now) makes the rest of the symptoms worse. Sleep deprivation causes more anxiety which causes less sleep and it's a vicious cycle. Now, I understand completely that in a few months (like 3-4) physically I should be better. By that point I will have the implants, I won't be in pain, I won't have to deal with a stupid partial denture causing tension headaches and pinching nerves in my face. It's still a minimum of months. I have no control over this, having no control and placing my trust in others makes my anxiety worse. Due to lack of sleep I am now in a constant (or near constant) state of anxiety. This is the best way to explain it:

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Obviously my relationships are suffering, my health is suffering, and I'm really just in a state of constant panic.  I know I can and will physically recover, but can I mentally recover? Will things ever get better? Am I going to be able to suffer through this until I am physically healthy? SO much of my emotional crap depends on my physical body right now. Every last physical symptom I experience (which can be fixed it just takes time) enhances my other symptoms. When I'm in good health, I experience almost no anxiety and no OCD. When I am in bad health, everything goes to shit. As of now I have no money (even though I want to move out) I have a job (but it doesn't start til October) and I have fears that I will mentally get so bad I won't even be able to keepp the job. I am a train wreck. My point is this:

If I have stopped talking to you or stopped returning messages or whatever, it's nothinng personal. I am finding it harder and harder to deal with things. Problems I have and even people that I like. I love my subscribers, my followers, my friends, but my brain right now is basically like "FUCK EVERYONE" beccause it doesn't want to deal with all this panic. The ONLY advice I can get or even give myself is "Just wait it out" but the fear is in not knowing if I will have some kind of extreme nervous breakdown before recovering to the point I physically need. I am very thankful of all your ssupport and I assure everyone I am fighting through this as HARD as I can because I do not EVER wish to give up I'm just terrfied that circumstances far beyond my control will cause me to fail.