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Miss Misanthropist

Writing With Myself

Life, The Universe, And Feminism

About MeMonica EdwardsComment

As of late I have had several medical issues. Physical issues that unfortunately cause psychological problems. I am having issues with hormone levels, vitamin levels, and serotonin levels. All of which effect sleep, mood, anxiety, and depression. I am on a lot of medications in order to correct these imbalances but it's why I'm not around much as of now. The medications (literally three different ones) take months to work. I also do have generalized anxiety disorder, which means that even though I also have all these problems that exacerbate the anxiety, it's not just going to magically vanish once I correct all these imbalances, but it should get better. As such I am very tired all the time, unmotivated, and to a certain extent a bit depressed but I wouldn't call myself hopeless. When someone is tired all the time it can mimic depression because it makes them far less motivated to do things. It makes them not care. I find myself having to force my ass out of bed, not because I'm hopeless or sad but because I just have NO ENERGY. My physical body is very weak and it's manifesting psychological symptoms as well.  

One of my biggest problems as of late is this idea that everything is pointless. I don't mean in a depressed, why don't I just kill myself way, because don't want to die at all. The thought that life is meaningless isn't depressing to me, it's literally terrifying. I am terrified of what comes after this, if anything is worth doing, and what if it's not? However, when I think about it logically I know that there is no definitive answer to that question. There is no way to actually know if what we are doing is pointless or not. There's no way to know what happens when we die, or how the universe is effected by our behavior, or anything like that. I understand, that the most likely thing is that nothing happens when we die and it's all just over, that's the most probable answer but honestly there is still a possibility that's not what happens. We don't actually know. There is not 100% proof to this fact. There is no way for humans to know what effects what or what's pointless and what isn't. 

It's still a struggle for me though because of how I feel physically and so it's hard to convince myself to get out of bed most days because I'm so damn fatigued. Still, there isn't a part of me that's hopeless. There isn't a part of me that wants to die. I wouldn't even consider myself sad really, just overly anxious and scared of everything for no damn reason. Which actually is pretty much a symptom brought on by all my nutrient and hormone problems. When you get as physically malnourished as I am it takes a toll on your brain. There is one thing I do know, though. 

Despite the fear and anxiety that everything is pointless and despite the fact that I feel so sick most days I can barely move, I do know that it's better to make the best of a bad situation than to sit around and do nothing. I've questioned myself over and over again how pointless it might be to fight against feminism but then I realized that, I need to think about overall society. The people that come after me, the people who will live, how society will continue on. There will be people after me and after all of this. We should want quality of life for those people to be better than our quality of life. We shouldn't want to leave a world that is absolute and utter hell for a specific group of people. Maybe our time on this Earth is finite but we need to make the best of it. At times yes, a lot of things seem pointless and for many reasons and to be honest I try not to think about it because it scares me. Then I get tired and depressed because I'm sick and it's a vicious fucking cycle. It's not fun. At all. The thing is I know I'll recover. I was normal and recovered for many years before this point. I basically just had a nervous breakdown and have to recover, that's it. I need time to think and reflect, to feel better physically and emotionally. I will get there, it's just not going to happen over night because the medications to correct all these problems take 3 months minimum to get me back to normal levels. As of now it hasn't even been a month for any of them. I can't expect to feel better constantly BUT I can say a lot of days are better than others now.  

I don't know how much I will be around right now, I'm semi active on twitter, I know I need to do more updates here, and I haven't updated youtube this week. When you have almost 0% energy it's very hard for you to push yourself to do anything.  Right now I'm mostly concerned about taking care of myself. Eating, getting enough sleep, and making sure that I don't overtax my body while I recover. Fighting with morons on the internet has become a very low priority for me. I will bounce back though, and trust me when I say I've been in far worse physical and emotional states in my life (even if it doesn't currently feel that way). In the mean time, know that I haven't given up I just need to take it very easy right now until I'm better. I won't be silenced, I won't let those morons win, and I will keep fighting. Not just for myself but for the good of humanity. I wouldn't want to leave this world knowing that others have to suffer through some sort of terrible matriarchy or new dark age right?