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Miss Misanthropist

Writing With Myself

Stress + Anxiety Sucks Balls

About Me, Mental HealthMonica EdwardsComment

From a  young age I've had anxiety. When I was a teenager/younger adult it was really bad. It even got bad enough that I was agoraphobic for a few years. I recovered from that, obviously, or maybe not cause people don't know me but I did recover. It took a lot of therapy and all of that crap but I got better. I went off of the medications I was on for anxiety because my anxiety has basically vanished so my psychiatrist was like "you are on way too heavy medications now for someone who is barely anxious at all." I was scared to go off of them but I did anyway because she made sense. I was on HEAVY medication so it was probably best not to be on that much.

For five years I did really well. Then in the past few months my stress level got too high which increased my anxiety and it started to take a toll on me physically. I wasn't sleeping enough, I was getting sick, blah blah blah. I decided to go back on medications because, well, they helped me before and I'm sure they will help me again. Nothing heavy basically just 10mg of Prozac which I was on before to treat anxiety. Or more accurately I was on it so I could detox from other medications. The meds I was on were so heavy they had to put me on prozac to ween me off those. I stayed on the Prozac for a while after that at a low dose before eventually tapering off.  Even with as bad as my anxiety has gotten I actually am still functioning fine. Oddly enough. I still go out, shop, get things I need, I'm not nearly agoraphobic just really panicky. Considering all I'm currently going through, it actually makes a lot of sense to be feeling this way but since it's been literal years since I've had a panic attack it's also scary as fuck. It's like having a panic attack for the first time all over again and being like "WHAT THE FUCK? AM I DYING?" that kind of feeling.

Anyway, since I started prozac there are side effects but I just have to adjust to them. When you introduce a new chemical into your body that's what happens. I know that I've been on this before and it's helped me so it's worth fighting through the somewhat severe side effects and waiting to adjust. Last night I actually got 8 hours of sleep for the first time in weeks. My appetite is far more normal. I can actually focus on a train of thought for more than 5 seconds without panicking. I can't say I'm vastly improved, because I am very groggy, drowsy, upset stomach, dizzy, kind of zoning in and out but I know prozac can initially cause all of that.

The reason I'm writing this is because it explains why I haven't been around. Not sure how many people actually miss me on here or on Twitter but if people were wondering why I'm vanishing for days at a time this is why. I'm not ashamed of any of this. I've known for a while I have generalized anxiety disorder I just wrongly believed that I had it under control. I didn't. I had to admit defeat (which isn't easy for me) and go get help (which is even less easy cause I'm a proud asshole). I know it's better to admit defeat and get help than insist I'm okay though. I will be okay, I will get through this, and things will pretty much go back to normal. My personal life is interesting right now. I have a lot of things going on. I greatly enjoy what I do on Twitter and YouTube but it does add in stress that I probably don't need on top of everything else happening. I think within a few days I'll be right as rain and back to what I normally do.

Thanks for all the support, I know I'm not internet famous or even internet popular but I do have a small following and I thought I'd offer an explanation to anyone who was wondering why I'm basically silent. Also if this was long and rambly and repetitive I apologize, the meds make my brain foggy (like I said) so it's not too easy to put all of this together correctly. I apologize for that a thousand times over.