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Miss Misanthropist

Writing With Myself

Surviving Parents With NPD (Part 4)

Surviving Abuse SeriesMonica EdwardsComment

One of the biggest things my parents loved to do was tell me what I did and didn't enjoy. For example, every single hobby I ever had they convinced me I didn't like it (or wouldn't like it) if I continued to pursue it. Not only that, but they would force me into things they knew I absolutely didn't like because they liked it and thought I was good at it. To be fair some of these things I had decent talent in (would never have been awesome) but was semi decent.

In first grade, well, starting around then my sister wanted to be a figure skater. I kind of wanted to do that as well but wasn't as into it as she was. Not at first. The problem was that she didn't want to take lessons alone. Of course this meant being shoved into figure skating because whatever precious Liz wanted to do, well it got done. I wasn't super against it but I wasn't completely into it. I agreed because, it was kind of cool to know how to skate so why not? The more I did it, the more I came to enjoy doing it. From group lessons we went on to private lessons. We did the skating shows at the local arena. I really started to like it, got pretty good at it, not amazing. Then Liz suddenly decides she hates it and is done taking lessons. Guess who was also done? Me. I remember very specifically asking if I could continue, as in, why did it matter if Liz didn't want to do it? Couldn't they just take me to lessons? No. Apparently that was impossible but it didn't matter anyway because they said I'd hate it.

They told me that in order to continue (and I really have no idea if I can measure this being true or not cause I was like 8 when we stopped lessons) I'd have to start getting up at 6 in the morning every day to go to the skating club and I would hate that. I told them that I really liked figure skating and it wouldn't be so bad. They insisted that at first I would find it fun then I'd want to stop going. They also insisted they'd have to join the skating club (which was private) for me to get any more lessons and that was expensive. We were already a member of a local place anyway, and my parents were not hurting for money I can tell you that much, but they really made this out to be terribly expensive and there was no way that they could afford it and if they could I'd hate it.

Around second or third grade, my sister Liz really wanted to take gymnastics. At first I wasn't at all interested in this. She started taking it for a while. The more I went to her meets and practices (because I was forced to) the more I thought it looked fun and the more I wanted to do it. Finally, they sign me up for a course over the summer which I really loved when I was doing it. It was fun. My sister, by that point, was ahead of me. She had mostly only started because she had been informed that it would help her be a better figure skater. Something which I wasn't told til...well way after that. So I suppose they never had any intention of letting me continue as a figure skater (or intention of letting me actually get good) but whatever. I took gymnastics for almost a year, enjoyed it, told I was going to be too tall to every be a gymnast. Taken out of it. Granted I did get way too tall to be a gymnast but at the age of 8-9 there was no actual way to tell this, and it still wouldn't have harmed me to have kept going until I couldn't any more. Maybe transfer those skills into dance or something. They didn't want me to do dance. The moment I joined the dance club in school in 7th grade they hated it. No idea why.

They refused to watch any of my dance routines and they were utterly uninterested in attending practices or anything like that. They, of course, went to anything Liz ever did, but with me it was always something like an inconvenience to them. Whatever I liked, even if I found a way to do it for free or without them having to put any effort into anything. If I liked it they weren't interested in it and if they liked it and thought I'd be good at it (or my sister wanted to do it but refused to do it alone) I ended up doing it. The one thing that was kinda of slightlydifferent than all of this was horseback riding, but only kind of.

When I was five I was really into horses they were my favorite animals (still are). They found a summer camp I could go to that offered horseback riding as one of the activities. So every summer I would go to this camp and I would get to ride horses. Then the camp got too expensive, allegedly, so I was sent to a different camp. Things didn't work out at that camp I only went two years in a row, mostly cause I was bullied a lot there. It was an overnight camp as opposed to a day camp. I wanted to go because I liked horseback riding but, the kids there (and the adults) were completely incompetent and I have no clue how they were legally allowed to run a summer camp with how stupid they were. So after two years that stopped. A few years after that we found a new camp for me, offered horseback riding.

The first year at that camp was great, I loved it, didn't want to leave when my time was up. The second year at that camp, well, it turns out a girl who I went to school with who bullied me near constantly, was going at the same time I was. I ended up being trapped with this girl there for two weeks. My parents knew but didn't give a shit, they honest to God knew this was going on because this girl was causing me so many problems that they were not unaware. They'd seen her bully me several times and did nothing about it, they knew her name, and then they were called when I was at camp because so many problems were happening. Her name was Jessie, she would be really nice to me in front of the counselors but the moment their backs were turned she'd really go at me. It took nearly a week to get any of the counselors to believe me, and it was only one of them, and nothing ever came of it because that counselor couldn't get anyone to believe her since Jessie was such an ass kiss to everyone. Welcome to the story of my life.

Of course, after that, I didn't go back to that camp but I didn't want to. However my friend (best friend at the time) she lived out in a city called Bainbridge where they offered horseback riding lessons. I used to go every week, even competed in horse shows. I did that for a full year, maybe a bit longer? My parents never wanted to see me ride, didn't care how much I liked it, constantly complained about taking me out there, constantly complained about how much the classes cost, and constantly complained about how "flakey" my teacher was which I honestly never saw that as an issue with. By that time I was old enough to know what was what. I wasn't 8 anymore I was 14. I was completely aware of what was going on.

They started to claim they were too busy to be driving me out there all the time. When I found a ride and they didn't have to take me they started to say it was too expensive and they didn't like the teacher. I did stuff at that place, mucked out stalls, hard labor it would have been enough to exchange for riding time but once again they didn't want to take me out there. No matter what solution I found to make it cheaper or easier on them they didn't care. Robyne always HATED horses and so did both of my sisters. Any chance she got to see me ride she didn't watch. She never got near the horses, was terrified of them, and would basically avoid seeing me do anything with horses. No clue why this was, but even when I was winning ribbons, she couldn't give a shit. The only praise that I ever got for anything was...well...bowling which I fucking hated.

At first it was fun to do every weekend. At first. Then it got really stupid and repetitive and I started to hate the group of girls in my "league" and wanted to stop. Eventually I only had one friend in that group of five because the other three girls had started to bully me. I think this mostly happened because my actual friend in the group moved to another school, then I moved to a private school, and the three of them were all together all the time at the school I used to attend so they had their clique and me and my friend were on the outs. I for some reason was good enough at this activity that I didn't like that I won trophies. It was a "junior league" so it was heavily supervised and pretty much all you could do for two hours was bowl they would barely let you leave to do anything else and if you didn't turn in a perfectly recorded score card at the end you got in trouble for it. I was forced into bowling. I kept telling them I was bored and didn't want to go but I was still forced into it for years probably cause they hated me in the house on weekends and didn't want to deal with me. So something that was fun at first became a nightmare and I had to stay in it.

In 7th grade, my sister wanted to play softball. I am not at all an organized type of sports person. Never was. She wouldn't do it alone. Because me and her are so close to the same age and GOD FORBID LIZ DOESN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTS they realized I was old enough to play with her. She was super into it and really good at it. I sucked at it cause I hated it. Not to mention, once again, I was placed on a team with kids that hated me. The league I was in was filled with girls from school who bullied me. Some of them were on my team but many more of them were on other teams that we played. I can't tell you how many times I was "accidentally" hit with a ball or a bat because "oops didn't see where I was going". Despite all of this crap our team won the city championships. No help from me, cause I fucking hated it and did the bare minimum any time I was there. Liz went on to play varsity softball at school for five years, and soccer, and track but luckily since the school started to offer it, I didn't have to be involved any more.

When they found out I was a good singer (good not great) they wanted me to sing. Kept jamming me into choirs and shit. Once again it was a thing I was mildly interested in, kinda good at, but was never REALLY into. Didn't matter because my parents WERE into that and so I get shoved into it for years longer than I actually ended up wanting to do it.

The only thing I actually ever wanted to do was horseback ride. I understand that's an expensive hobby, I really, REALLY do. However my parents were not poor. They had enough money to do it. Especially since they were never intent on buying me a horse and there were plenty of places that had horses you could just ride. Stables that rented them out for lessons and such. They were no more poor than any of my friends' parents who took their kids to do it. Everyone was in basically the same salary group, there was nothing that really was a financial burden to them had they actually given a shit that I liked doing that and it was my passion. Enough of my passion that it was the one thing I never, ever asked to stop doing since I was 5 and I was first introduced to it.

The thing is, this was all used against me. Any time I wanted to do anything new they'd constantly remind me how I quit this/that/the other. They'd tell me "well you always SAY you like something then a year later want to quit". They used the instances they forced me into, or activities I was only mildly interested in the first place to prove that I "hated everything" and I would never actually enjoy XYZ activity so there was no point to trying.

With my sisters, they went to their practices, games, meets, competitions, basically anything they did. With me, I can't remember them really attending much of anything unless it was something they had wanted me to do like a recital or the figure skating stuff. I was never actually given any sort of chance to pursue any passion and when I found something I was interested in they were completely indifferent to it and showed me no support, no matter how good I was at it. This left me to believe there's really no point in trying anything, and it has also caused me to talk myself out of doing a lot of things because in the end I just started to agree they were probably right and I wouldn't like "X" activity anyway.